5 Centimetres Per Second
by Merthur Dreamer
Summary: Do you know the speed at which Cherry Blossoms fall? At what speed must I live to be able to see you again? This is how fast you fall in love...
1. Broken Feelings

**Hello All, so I've finally found the edge to make me write WOOP WOOP!**

**Disclaimer: This is based upon Makoto Shinkai's film of the same name, so no lawsuit there. Also, some of the dialogue is from the film, but of course I've edited, adapted and changed it to how I wanted it. I do not own the BBC Series 'Merlin' but if I did, Merlin and Arthur would be together in the most romantic way possible. **

**This took me awhile to write, what with LOTS of ideas running through me head but also feeling the need to bring a few of the film's quotes into it, so yeah... **

**I won't keep you waiting... I hope you enjoy it :)**

**P.S. I'm still writing the rest so updates may be few and far between... and I suffer from low self-esteem so be aware that this is my first time writing...**

**...**

"Look, its five centimetres per second" Merlin said as he couldn't help but grin to his blonde prince.

"What?" Despite my happiness that I was able to be with Merlin on his last day in Camelot... I couldn't help but feel the weird clench that was trying to rip out my heart... what was this feeling? I felt my eyes start to water and when I looked to Merlin... I don't know but my heart was beating so fast. I looked around then, scared Merlin may have noticed... that I was staring at his amazing, sapphire eyes as they caught the sun and made stars... no, his shine would shame any star. The cherry blossoms were beautiful... pinks of every shade and it was so peaceful. We were by the orchard on the out-shirts of the Pendragon estate... I met Merlin when we were only five years old, but we've been best friends even since, always coming here... as our place of sanctuary. But now... but now Merlin has to leave... and the mere thought makes my heart feel so lonely and... and I start shaking... why? Why must I feel so attached to Merlin... it's as if the raven is so intertwined with my heart, always being my safety and... my friend... but now I feel myself unravelling...

"Cherry blossoms, it's how fast they fall: five centimetres per second" my raven explained in his adorable little Irish accent. Merlin was strange like this, knowing weird and wonderful things about the world... it was odd, but I think Merlin could actually be... wise at times, though I'd never say that to his face: Pendragons do not praise easily. He giggled then, his laughter more mesmerising than any moon, the way his lips perfectly framed his face and... I didn't realise I was frowning in my heartbreak. But I wanted him to stop laughing... for I knew that every time I thought of Merlin I would hear him... and I don't think my mind could take his lose.

"Oh... that's interesting" And knowing Merlin, he giggled again... looking at me this time and smiling at me with the warmest of complexions... my heart contracted and... How did Merlin become so important to me... and why was my slight frown so adorable to Merlin?

"Hey, they look just like snowflakes, don't they?" He skipped forward and gently touched one... and I couldn't help but notice how his delicate fingers of snow caressed the falling petal, how the contrasted was so breathtaking against his black coat. The air was chilly, and being the gentleman I am I let Merlin borrow one of my coats... my favourite might I add. Besides, unbeknownst to him I'd let him keep it... knowing that the fact a piece of me was with Merlin would somehow ease the tearing of my heart. Why did Merlin have to be so perfect? The way the light reflected off him... making his white skin seem to shine and make his black hair all the more entrancing, his high cheekbones making his fragile smile seem all the more magical. That's what Merlin was... magical. I blushed in my thoughts, how could a ten year old boy feel this way? If my father knew... he'd skin me alive...

"I guess..." I said with no particular interest, if he knew how I felt... the thought wasn't worth entertaining. But nevertheless, I felt my heart ache with such a yearning. But I couldn't feel this way, it would complicate things beyond compare and... I wouldn't sacrifice our friendship because for some strange reason my heart has racing every time I see him... What is wrong with me?

...

Arthur seemed so sad... why? We could be together for my last day in Camelot, so why did he look so distant, like the world was about to end and crush his bones? Then I looked to myself... and realised how much I didn't want to leave him, Arthur had become my whole life here, he had become my friend... and I gave him my heart along the way. I tried my best to suppress the unbelievable anguish that was clasping my heart... but grief and a shaking feeling that I didn't understand had already settled in... I wanted nothing more than to turn around and wrap my arms around Arthur, to have him wipe my tears and hold me close... but he'd never feel the same, who'd love a big-eared pasty Irish boy? He was beyond my touch and that fact alone would forever curse my heart into its weeping. I heard the train bells ringing and knew I would have to run if I wanted to be at home on time... There was so much I wanted to say, so many feelings that wouldn't be spoken... so I ran, too scared to look back, as I tried to control the sobs of an eternal lose.

...

I heard the bells and my heart was hit by a pang of the deepest most cutting sorrow. I flinched it was so strong, knowing that I may never see my Merlin again. He started running... so I called out to him, how dare he run! Didn't he like my company? But then I heard his little whimpers of laughter... but for some reason I thought they were cries... Merlin softly weeping.

"Hey... wait up Merlin!" I called, as we ran down the hill. He got to the cross before I did, able to cross it as the bars went down... separating us... as we then looked at each other with a mutual agony. I was panting, my breath anywhere but in my lungs. The bars went down and... I couldn't leave things like this... no, I couldn't. I called out his name with a new found confidence, a warming rush of hope-

-but the train passed, drowning out my cries... and he was gone.

**5 Centimetres Per Second...**

**A chain of stories about their distance...**

And I asked myself... does a heart still beat when it is broken, for mine felt so heavy.


	2. Unspoken Emotions

**Hello All, so I've finally found the edge to make me write WOOP WOOP!**

**Disclaimer: This is based upon Makoto Shinkai's film of the same name, so no lawsuit there. So it's a Modern AU. Also, some of the dialogue is from the film, but of course I've edited, adapted and changed it to how I wanted it. I do not own the BBC Series 'Merlin' but if I did, Merlin and Arthur would be together in the most romantic way possible. **

**This took me awhile to write, what with LOTS of ideas running through me head but also feeling to need to bring a few of the film's quotes into it, so yeah... **

**I won't keep you waiting... I hope you enjoy it :)**

**I apologise for any spelling/grammar mistakes.**

...

Dear Arthur Pendragon,

It's been a while, hasn't it?

The summer's here can get pretty hot, compared to Camelot; it's still much cooler though. But now that I think about it... I think I prefer the humid summers of Camelot: the melting rock pavement, the shimmering skyscrapers, the freezing cold air conditioning in the department stores.

The last time we saw each other was at the end of spring when the cherry blossoms were falling, I had to leave school and go back to Ireland... it's already been six months since then.

Hey, Arthur... do you still remember me?

Merlin

...

Dear Arthur Pendragon,

Thank you so much for writing back!

It made me really happy when I got your letter. You have no idea how many times I read it... I heard your voice while reading it and... don't think badly of me but... it gave me comfort from our parting.

Its autumn here and all the leaves are turning into reds that glow, fiery oranges and golden blondes... much like your hair, and it's beautiful. I remember you-

-"Hey, Arthur"

I was brought back to reality after reading some of Merlin's second letter, I've read it so many times and I actually smiled when he said he did the same. His letters comforted my also, soothing the shock and pain of our sudden separation. I was staring out the window today... watching the sunset; I usually stay behind after school, training with either football or fencing. It's quite when everyone's gone... giving some peace. Despite Merlin's letters though... the wounds in my heart began to reopen and ooze my despair... as I thought about how I was moving back to Devon... the distance between me and Merlin increasing that much more.

"You reading a loovve letter" Vivian asked with her trademark smug smile; total bitch, so insensitive. Yet I composed myself from ripping her apart as the tremors of me and Merlin being separated again began to tremble my body.

"I hope I wasn't disturbing your thoughts" She moved in front of me, blocking my view of the sunset, why was she even here, she lives near me, can't we talk then?

"No, no... I was just finishing up" I stumbled as I packed my emotions into the letter and put it in my pocket. I'd read my heartbreak later.

"Is it true you're moving?" She asked with such a concern... she doesn't like me.

"Yeah, at the end of the school year" It gave me a small pleasure to see her sad, it was a petty victory but she was the school slut.

"Where to?" Now she was distant, probably thinking who was next on her list to shag and annoy, well she wouldn't have me... my heart already belonged to someone else.

"Exeter, Devon because of my dad's work." And I felt my heart start to bleed in its torture as I was reminded about Merlin. Grief's claws piercing my soul's seams... I held back the sudden tears that threatened to flood my eyes as I felt the torment extend to my entire body, quivering my whole body in a saddening chill. My heart felt cold and empty... how much I missed Merlin couldn't be put into words, they could not give him justice.

"Oh..." And she left.

...

-I'm doing lots of after school stuff to keep my business. There's not a lot to do around here without you. They're keeping me so busy that I'm writing this on the train. I got my hair cut the other day, it's really short now, well not massively but there is a difference. It's so short you can see my big ears even more. If you saw me now... you probably wouldn't recognise me-

"I'm home" Uther's voice rang through our apartment.

"Kitchen" I was in the kitchen (obviously) trying to multi-task, but that's quite difficult when you're a man and a Pendragon no less... but what probably made cooking dinner for us all the more hard was the fact my mind was only on re-reading Merlin's letter, hearing his voice... his laughter.

...

Once eating was done I went to my room... thinking of how to reply... how to put my heart's sorrow, or what was left of my heart since we parted. But I couldn't think of anything, Merlin's words circling my head, playing with my mind and stabbing my heart into a deeper depression.

-I'm sure you've changed too. Little by little... aren't you. I bet you're really handsome now, more than when we were kids. You always did catch people's eyes.

Merlin.

I stared at the blank page, deciding that conveying my emotions tonight would probably spark another break down... like last night... where I couldn't stop crying, holding my pillow, thinking how bloody broken and vulnerable I am without Merlin. I wondered to bed, empty and lifeless as always, feeling my heart rot at not seeing Merlin for so long, and I welcomed the pain, as sleep took me. And in my sleep, I was reminded... how I hadn't smiled since the day Merlin left... only a bittersweet short-lived happiness stinging me when I got a letter.

...

Dear Arthur,

Are you doing well during these cold days?

Here its already snowed a few times. Every time I go to school I have to put on a lot of heavy clothing: hat, coat, fingerless gloves. I still have the coat you gave me when we were younger... it still smells like you.

It still hasn't snowed in Camelot, has it?

-I flinched then... for I wasn't in Camelot anymore... but sitting in a classroom somewhere in Exeter, early, so one could see me.

Even though I live here, I still check how the weather is there, I guess it's out of habit...

-I ran to the bathrooms then, feeling my heart overwhelm me with such a grave liquid sorrow that it pulsed around my blood. I cried then, in the toilets. I let the burning salt tears fall as they stained my cheeks.

...

"I wish it would rain or something!" Leon, another blonde, but it wasn't as nice a shade as mine. He's always complaining.

"But practise would suck in the gym too" Lancelot this time, a nice guy. They weren't my friends... just people that I could hang around with, but I really had no choice since they were on my team for the school's football.

"Have... either of you been to Armagh?" That morning... I decided that I would visit Merlin. I had enough of wallowing in my heartbreak and self-pity. I knew that the sorrow of parting again would kill us both and leave me more... drowned in agony, as my heart could barely beat as it was... But I had to see him, had to see his face... just one more time.

"Where?" They asked in union.

"Armagh, Northern Ireland" I asked in half frustration and half trying to stop my heart from exploding.

"Nope" Again, in unison. They looked at me then, as if silently asking me why would someone like me want to travel that far.

"Wonder how you get there?" I looked at all the train routines and stuff. With the planes being awkward and since I couldn't drive myself, my dad would never take me, not to mention the fact Northern Ireland, however close it may have seemed on a map, was pretty odd to get to for someone like me... it seemed as if the world was against me and Merlin seeing each other again.

"Sounds far..." Leon murmured as he checked out one of the cheerleaders. Although we were training after school, in the heat, with no shade on a dry field... the school thought it a good idea to distract boys with cheerleaders... good thing my heart was already yearning for a special Irish boy.

...

-I was surprised to hear that you were moving from Camelot as well. We're both used to moving around a lot, aren't we? But... Devon is kind of far... at least it seems that way. I mean, it's not the kind of distance where I can just hop on a train and meet you... It's a little sad... don't you think? I mean, not only are we of different islands, but your further away now... I felt my heart cry as I read your reply.

But I really really really hope you're doing well, where ever you are.

Your Merlin

...

When I read the latest of Merlin's letter... I felt my heart waste away and the familiar overwhelming emotion of pain... as my heart bumped its sorrow through my body... barely beating. I felt my heart freeze, my breath catch... life didn't seem worth it anymore. I then looked at myself in the mirror and noticed that I had been crying, seeing my bloodshot eyes and deathly cold agony that rippled through me. I hadn't realised. My mind was set, no matter how far he was, no matter where he was, no matter how long the travel would be... I would see Merlin again, I needed him so much, my heart felt like it was just slowly down, slowly dying each day I didn't see him. I needed to hold him again; I needed to feel his skin against mine, I needed to feel his warmth... I needed to tell him how I felt, or I would die trying. And in that moment... as I sat at my desk... I realised that I... that I loved him. I loved Merlin Emrys, I loved him with all my heart and that was why it hurt so much to be apart... he was my other half, my match in every way. I felt my heart begin to beat once more, and a strange and wonderful emotion rippled through me. I loved him.

...

Dear Arthur,

I was so happy to hear that you were coming to see me. Then I couldn't contain my joy and almost fell over in my excitement. My heart started racing and the world was in a buzz of colour again. I felt so light-headed I needed to sit down. It will have been six years since I last saw you. How was your 16th birthday? Did you get lots of presents... did you get mine? I posted it to you... maybe you didn't get it.

It's funny, I feel kind of nervous seeing you again...

There's a cherry tree right near my house, it reminds me of you, I see your face in its glow. Although its winter now, when its spring, I bet the petals will fall at five centimetres per second. Here's what I wish, I wish that you could bring the springtime with you.

Arthur... I've missed you.

Your Merlin x

...

I sat at my desk all night, trying to think of ways to express my emotions to Merlin. Of course, I don't think I would have the courage to tell them to his face... I didn't know how he would react... and that scared me. I feared that when I poured my heart out to him that he would throw it back in my face. I knew that it was just me being nervous... but a love letter couldn't hurt. I looked up Shakespeare and John Keats, using their words and my own broken heart to write how I loved him. I seemed weird thinking that... yet so right.

...

Today was the day. I would finish school then get on the train to the nearest station to Northern Ireland. Merlin said he'd get the ferry over and he'd met me there. I couldn't concentrate all day, my thoughts were always on Merlin and I felt my heart racing and pulses of emotions making my heart skip beats and let loose butterflies in my stomach. I finished the letter at school, thinking I could make finishing touches on it while I did no work.

Once I was finished I put it in an envelope that I thought would make Merlin smile... I looked hard around all of the streets then found the perfect design. It was a night time background with stars on it, there was a full moon glowing and in the distance was a dragon flying with grace. I thought of Merlin and I made me dizzy in my head... Today was the day I told him.

"Arthur, football training, let's go" Lancelot shouted, obviously seeing that my thoughts were distracting me. I turned round; I tried an apologetic smile as I said,

"Um... sorry, I can't make it today, I've got something to do" It was vague but Lancelot wouldn't press about it. He walked away... wishing me good luck... then I noticed that I had been smiling a smirk for Merlin all day.

...

Dear Arthur,

Thank you again for coming all this way just to see me, I feel so happy that you want to meet again. I've thought of you every day. But it is far so please me careful okay? They've forecast heavy snow and I'd hate to think something would happen to you... so be careful, promise me.

I'll be inside the station's waiting room at seven o'clock. Just as we planned.

I'll be waiting...

Your Merlin xx

I looked to the skies and noticed that he was right; the clouds were thick with snow... I pulled my hood up and walked to my heart's pace, realising again... that my heart beat for Merlin. I checked my watch... it was four o'clock.


	3. Never Let Me Go

**Hello All, so I've finally found the edge to make me write WOOP WOOP!**

**Disclaimer: This is based upon Makoto Shinkai's film of the same name, so no lawsuit there. So it's a Modern AU. Also, some of the dialogue is from the film, but of course I've edited, adapted and changed it to how I wanted it. I do not own the BBC Series 'Merlin' but if I did, Merlin and Arthur would be together in the most romantic way possible. **

**This took me awhile to write, what with LOTS of ideas running through me head but also feeling to need to bring a few of the film's quotes into it, so yeah... **

**I won't keep you waiting... I hope you enjoy it :)**

**P.S. I apologise for any spelling/grammar mistakes.**

**AND CAN I JUST SAY A !HUGE! THANK YOU TO ALL OF THOSE THAT HAVE READ AND REVIEWED! It makes me so happy to know that I'm not as bad as I thought I was :D Thank You x**

...

I ran to the train station, the adrenaline rush was amazing, I never knew it possible. I put the letter in my pocket, where it would be safe. I hopped on the train, yet despite my mix of anxious and excited... I felt the chill and ominous breeze from the north, a bit in its edge. I got shivers down my spine... But no matter the weather or anything, I would see Merlin before the sunset, I would... my heart couldn't take one more day without him. I didn't care what my father thought, what Merlin would be like when I told him... all I knew was that I would tell him today... and it felt so good just to think that.

...

It started snowing in the evening, the day me and Merlin planned to meet. As I looked out the window, pulled my coat closer around me, I thought of Merlin then, his sweet laugh and... the way he made me feel.

"_Arthur look it's that cat, Toby" Merlin giggled out from his adorable lips; bending down to stroke him. _

It was one of the days were me and Merlin got to walk home together... Merlin living practically next door to me... and I couldn't help but feel how much I cherished those days, how at home he made me feel. I'd always forget my father's glares and the pressure he put on me when Merlin was around.

"_He always hangs around here, doesn't he... in this side walk... I wonder why, it's only a little country lane, a few autumn trees and peace..." I said, as I admired Merlin's hair yet again, how the ebony of his night seemed to contrast so perfectly with his snow white skin. _

"_Yeah, but he's alone today" Merlin explained as he continued to pet the tabby cat. Why that was relevant I had no idea._

"_Where's your friend today? It's sad to be alone" My heart skipped a beat then, as I frowned in my revelation at Merlin. I then for some reason noticed how his fingers moved through the ginger fur, how graceful and delicate he seemed. And I couldn't help but notice, the pitch of sorrow in Merlin's tone. But he then looked up at me and smiled his goofy grin. I think my heart started racing then, forcefully hammering against my chest. We shared a glance then, our lock of emotion seemed to halt the wind's breeze and numb the sun's rays... Was Merlin saying I was his friend? That he wasn't alone without me? The nervous joy this gave me was so overpowering that I had to break our stare. I'd deal with my feelings later...Father would not approve of our friendship and everyone at school doesn't like him... Did I have the pride and passion of becoming my Merlin's friend?_

"_Race you home!" I shouted, and started running as fast as my feet would take me. _

"_Prat!" Merlin shouted back, but ran after me with all the enthusiasm in the world possible, his grin never leaving his face._

Then there was that other day, when for Merlin's 9th birthday I got him a book that would suit him perfectly, I was so proud of myself... it's silly really, but it reflected our running joke and his interests wonderfully.

"_So you like it then?" I asked as we sat in a caf__é__. Me being the Pendragon I was, it wasn't hard to pay for a lunch with a friend was it?_

"_Of course I do! I read all of it last night, I couldn't put it down. How did you know I liked the Arthurian Legends?" He asked in amazement and excitement, slightly taking a bit from his chips. _

_I stared at him then... mock shock on my face. "With a name like Merlin, Merlin, it's not hard"_

_We laughed then, and seeing him so happy, so carefree... knowing that I caused that... I was glad and proud to call Merlin my one true friend._

"_My favourite part is the Great Dragon, when he tells Merlin he'd unite Albion with Arthur, like this." I peered over our cups and looked at his plate. He'd made a dragon out of chips... what a wonder. Merlin was so amazing, so unique and oddly brilliant... where did that come from? I felt my heart scream in protest as my mind paused for thought._

"_So which part's your favourite?" He asked with such a happy glow in his eyes, how could I not entertain his thoughts?_

"_Excalibur! And how Merlin and Arthur fight evil together" I proclaimed smugly with a proud twist of my lips to finish it off. Merlin looked at me and smiled, his grin practically splitting his face in two, he had a special glint of something in his eyes... was there something on my face? _

Looking back, I think me and Merlin are a lot alike in a lot of ways. About a year after me and my dad moved to Camelot, Merlin transferred into my class. We were both so different then, me being a Pendragon and Merlin being a no-one. But we liked being in the library more than the playground, but I still loved football! It was only natural that the two of us became friends. Opposites attract after all... but we have so much in common. It's quite scary now that I think about it; Merlin was born without a dad... me a mum. I was able to confide in him and the moment his smile blessed my eyes I was taken. Plus, the fact that me and Merlin sat next each other in each lesson helped our at-first reluctant friendship to blossom.

But of course, this gave my friends the reason they needed to tease Merlin...

_I heard shouts and mean laughs from my classroom in the morning. I went inside with a caution and then everyone went silent. I looked around perplexed, then I eyes met Merlin's depressed figure. He was at the front of the classroom, probably being heckled... Then my eyes drifted to the board... they'd wrote:_

"_Merlin and Arthur – Together Forever" with little hearts around the edges and a few kisses._

_The stab was aimed at Merlin, not me. I felt my heart burst in a rage of protection for Merlin. I felt it run cold for those responsible for his sadness. How dare they tease him like that! He had done nothing wrong! _

_They all looked at me as I clenched my fists and felt fury blind my eyes. They looked at me, expecting me to join in the laugh. But I would refuse to damage what dignity my Merlin had. I went to the boars and rubbed of all they'd wrote, earning me a few bewildered looks but I didn't care. All I cared about was Merlin. When he turned to me, also a look of confusion on his face, I smiled as my heart tore in two... did he expect me to tease him too?_

_I didn't know why, but my hand then found its way into Merlin. His warm fingers slowly curled around mine, his soft skin was like clouds and I think my heart melted then. The tender look of confusion on his face was beautiful and so adorable. I ran from the classroom then, my hand still intertwined with Merlin, as we ran down the corridor, leaving those who dare cause my Merlin pain far behind. They didn't matter, because we knew that we had each other. _

We were in the same classes for all the time we had together. We would always be together... that's what I believed anyway.

...

At my first stop... I never realised trains were so busy. When I got off people were running everywhere. It was crazy! And I was actually glad that there was the weird voice over tune saying what platforms you'd need. I walked down some stairs and used my train ticket again; travel card seemed the easiest way. But then again, I wasn't paying that much attention to anything, the only thought in my head was that I'd finally meet Merlin again... and then butterflies started making me feel dizzy or sick... from love or nerves... how was I meant to know? This was the first time I'd go 'travelling' alone and the first time I've taken a train to somewhere I've never been before. I went to the toilets... damn these butterflies!

When I went in there was no-one there... I was glad for that. I washed my hands and realised that I was sweating. I looked at myself in the mirrors... seeing how I looked just made me more nervous, my heart was pounding, my breath in short pants, my head spinning. This was it... I was on my way to see Merlin after all this time... and my heart felt like it was trying to beat me to it, as if trying to beat itself out of my chest and fly to Merlin... where it belonged.

...

I waited for my other train, trying to take deep breaths... What would I say when I saw him? I know I wrote the letter but then I'd actually have to say something? Would Merlin feel the same? Would his heart feel like it was screaming in pain trying to find what it had lost? Or would he get frightened and run, thinking this just a friendly visit?

I tried not to think about it, only concentrating on what I would say... if my breath would let me.

When I got on the train people were pushing past me, didn't they know who I was? But those thoughts were short lived as I looked out the window again, finally able to sit down... the snow was falling heavily now. I put my hands in my pockets then felt the letter, the rush my heart got was unlike anything else... and damn did it hurt. I tried not to but the more I thought about it the more I needed to see Merlin. I checked my watch again... it was already five.

...

The clock seemed to be ticking to my freedom, to my liberty, every move of the hands sounds like a church bells ring.

"Attention Passengers: There will be a four minute delay on all the next trains due to sudden snow fall, we apologise for any inconvenience"

My heart was hit by a surge of ice cold panic... what if I didn't make it in time? But... I desperately tried not to entertain these thoughts, no matter how much it hurt. But I couldn't help myself... I felt tears start to burn my eyes and I thought how pathetic I was... four minutes wouldn't kill us... but I'd hate to disappoint Merlin again, knowing his pain was my suffering. I thought of the night he called me to say he was leaving... and I remembered how my perfect world seemed to crumble as reality's cold claws took their first grip at my heart.

_The phone was ringing, I knew it would be Merlin; he always called me after school. I picked it up and answered... I heard a broken gasp and a soft scared_

"_Hello?"... Something wasn't right, Merlin sounded like he'd been crying, speaking in a choked whisper. Had someone teased him again? If they had I'd swear they'd never see sunlight again!_

"_Arthur..." His tone made my heart feel like someone was stabbing it... was he alright? Why did he sound like his world was dying? But then I was told why and my heart stopped beating for the first time._

"_Arthur... my uncle... he said we have to move because... because of his work. He's got a better offer back in Ireland so... so we have to move" I could hear his pain, how his broken heart was pouring through the phone... and I thought I could feel his tears, only to realise they were mine. _

_My heart physically hurt, like a hook was surrounding it and pulling it down with no mercy, piercing its delicate flesh... I started shaking then. NO! Merlin would not leave me! He was all I had! He would not leave! And yet I spoke with all the softness in the world... trying to hide my wounded heart and desperate need for him to stay. It was then that I truly realised that my Merlin wouldn't be at school the next week that I would be alone forever... I don't know what I felt, but my head felt dizzy, and I thought I'd be sick. Ireland... that was so far away._

"_You're... you're moving... But you've already settled here, at school, you've already made friends, why would you need to go?"_

"_They're transferring my records to the other school in Armagh tonight... I'm sorry" He was so broken, his voice shaking and quivering... I had to be strong for him. Why wasn't I there with him? I needed to hold him, tell him that we'd be okay, that I wasn't mad. I needed to hold him and squeeze all the pain away, take his pain and bear it myself. My heart... or what was left of it... slowly started to stop beating, and when it did, I felt a cold rush of panic and need to see my friend._

"_No... No, don't be. It isn't your fault." I could hear his how broken sobs of despair, I wanted to be with him so desperately. Merlin couldn't be that sad, no, no... no. It was torture, cold-blooded torture, to hear him cry and there was nothing I could do. I needed to hold him, show him that I would always be there for him. I felt panic eat at my mind, constantly jabbing at it, I felt my heart hammering against my chest as it screamed to hear the person who was closest to me break down over the phone._

"_I asked if I could stay in Camelot with my Aunt... but they said no... because..."_

_My heart was breaking, his shattered sobs ripping my heart open, I felt it's cold tears of sorrow freeze my blood... and there was nothing I could do to comfort him._

"_... because I'm not old enough... I'm so sorry" _

"_Stop it!" I felt my burning tears fall down my face again as I was hit with another pang of desperation. He's not allowed to be sad._

"_... I'm sorry, Arthur" _

_I held the phone close to my ear until it hurt, I understood his pain, shared it's coldness, but I didn't know what to do. We were both crying, exchanging tears through a wire. I thought he was alone, but the sounds of it in a phone booth, ready to leave already. I felt so ashamed of myself that I couldn't do anything... I felt so ashamed of myself as all we could do was weep... as our hearts were ripped out from our very chests._

"_Merlin..." I was needed to say this, no matter how petty I sounded._

"_Yes, Arthur?"_

"_... I'll miss you" And I truly would, and for once in my spoiled life, I wasn't ashamed to admit that._

_We cried for about five more minutes then he had to leave... that was the day my heart was felt empty._

...

When I got to the next station, I couldn't believe my eyes, it was more crowded than the last one. People were making their way home, their shoes, soaked with water from the snow; the air ice cold with the scent of a city on a winter night.

"Attention All Passengers: Due to heavy snow conditions trains north bound will be delayed. Sorry for any complications"

I felt my heart die again; I checked my watch and the route Merlin sent me. It was already six o'clock and I still had quite a few stations to go to. I kicked myself, the possibility of delays or me being late never crossed my mind. If I wasn't anxious before... I was now.

When I got on the train, the last thing I wanted to hear stung my ears:

"Attention Passengers: Due to heavy snow conditions, the train will be delayed by about ten minutes; we apologise for the delay and will update you soon."

...

After a little while on this train, I finally noticed the scenery. I realised how the buildings were becoming fewer and fewer... the snow thicker and thicker. I checked my watch again... and grimaced at the time, I refused to let my heart runaway with my thoughts... but I knew the attempt wouldn't matter. It wouldn't save me from my aguish as my chest clenched.

...

"Attention All Passengers: All trains northbound will be delayed by about fifteen minutes due to the heavy snow. We apologise for the delay and hope this won't disrupt your travels"

I was already slipping, I could feel myself shaking with the fear I may not make it on time. I had been so excited to see Merlin... but how true was that? Would I ever see him now? I lowered my head and hopped on the new train, not moving and hadn't for half an hour apparently while pulled my hood up.

"We will update you soon on any new developments. Please be aware that we are trying our best to resume service. We must re-schedule due to extreme weather conditions"

There was hardly anyone on this train, no more than three old folk. I waited ten minutes, then we were off again.

...

"We will be stopping here for ten minutes; we apologise for any inconvenience and ask for your patience"

I closed the train door; I was alone now, everyone gone on my carriage. The one thing that made my heart even more unbearable was the bitter cold. I felt my nose go numb and put my hands in my pockets... The only thought in my mind was that I would get to Merlin on time, that I would see him... I had to.

I was five stops away... I would see him at seven.

Then I dared to check my watch and felt the familiar burn of fresh saltwater tears...

7:00pm

... I felt my heart burst then, burst in my chest and bleed. It felt as if someone took a knife and slit my heart open. My fear, my panic now circulating my blood and snatching all hope away from me; I felt cold then, colder than ever before. I could feel my breath quicken into short sobbing pants and a choking lump in my throat. But I held back the tears no matter their strength.

I had waited six years for this chance to see Merlin again... I guess destiny had other plans.

The train stations seemed so incredibly far apart now, and every time it stopped, it took forever to get on its way again. The unfamiliar white wasteland outside the train, the way time crawled along, the painful hunger I felt... slowly, it made me feel more helpless. The time we promised to meet had passed. He was probably starting to worry.

On that day, the night he called, he was more worried about how things were turning out. I don't know why, but I couldn't find any words to comfort him. I loathed myself... as I did now.

"_Merlin?"_

_Merlin had come into school to say his final goodbyes, apparently his uncle allowed him that much. I was distant and couldn't look him in the eye... whereas he searched for my contact, a reassurance that we were still friends, his worried look hurt but I couldn't look into those eyes..._

"_I guess... this is goodbye then..." _

_I shot him a quick fake smile and walked away._

It was then six months later I got my first letter from him. It was summer then, and I read it over and over again until I had it memorised. I started writing him my love letter that I wanted to give him after I realised how I felt... but I still don't think it will be good enough... that is, if we do meet someday.

My thoughts clouded my mind like the mist outside. There were so many things I wanted to tell him... so many things I wanted to share with him.

"Thank you for your patience, service will now continue"

...

I ran to the next platform, down the stairs and onto the line while the voice over seemed to screech in my ear

"All trains will be delayed for about fifteen minutes; we apologise for the trouble and hope to have them back on service soon"

I was alone here.

It doesn't matter that they're trying; they're not trying hard enough. I'd make it to the station where Merlin was waiting... sooner or later. So I waited for their 'back on service' and leaned against one of the pillars. My black coat was waving in the wind and the snow stung my face, my hood did little to protect my hair. I smelt food then, its sweet and sour sauces... and saw that there was a woman with noodles nearby. I looked around; hunger clenching my stomach and found a vending machine at the next pillar... it would have to do. I went over to it and reached for my money... little did I realise that my money was in the same pocket as my love letter and before I knew it... as I pulled my hand out, I was pulling the letter with it... allowing the wind to take it away. I turned round, tried to grab it but I was no use... it was already out on the tracks, blowing to nowhere. I felt so hopeless then, my heart wrenching, rotting in its cage. I felt the fiery tears poison my eyes... and with a quick sob I let them fall, dropping my head in the process.

...

I was on my last train to where I and Merlin would meet, but if we met would be another matter. I felt so lifeless, like the breath out of me had been taken, like the world was on my shoulders.

Then I felt the train slowly stop... were we here? I looked out the window, my hood slightly blocking my view but... we were in the middle of nowhere, the snowstorm still raging outside.

"This announcement is for all passengers: Due to heavy snow fall, the service of this train will be stopped for the sake of railway scheduling. We apologise for this delay and will state as soon as possible when service can be resumed-

I checked my watch... it was nearly nine.

"I repeat: Due to heavy snow fall, the service of this train will be stopped for the sake of railway scheduling-

I took off my watch and placed on the window sill. I could feel hopelessness clasp around my heart and my whole body was tensing... I couldn't breathe.

"We apologise for this delay and will state as soon as possible when service can be resumed. Thank you"

I bent down in my seat, trying not to let tears flood my face again, I wouldn't allow it. I thought of Merlin... and remembered one of his letters.

I'm doing lots of after school stuff to keep me busy. There's not a lot to do around here without you. They're keeping me so busy that I'm writing this on the train...

I don't know why, but whenever I read his letters, I always pictured him alone.

The train didn't move for two hours. It just sat there on the tracks, in the middle of nowhere. Each and every minute felt dreadfully long. Time clearly had evil intentions: above me... it was slowly floating away... There was only one thing I could do; I had to brace myself, grit my teeth... to keep from crying and breaking down in some bloody train carriage. And I thought:

Merlin... please Merlin. Please, please... it would be better if you just went home.

I heart was again slit open and I bled my tears.

...

It was quarter past eleven when the train finally reached the station. I stepped out into the now silent world of white, hearing the crush of the snow against my feet. I didn't know what I felt... but I did know that I think I didn't have a heart, that it had been so beaten and wounded that it had just stopped beating. I felt hollow.

No-one was around... it was completely silent. I walked slowly to the exit room. I gave the man my ticket... it was hopeless now.

But there...

In the dim light of the room...

... was Merlin.

I felt my heart start beating again and skip beats, my whole body stunned in cold blood... but not in happiness, but with a sharp stabbing guilt that he had waited this long. Yet still, something inside me was warming my heart and it was so overwhelmingly strong that I bowed my head slightly and tensed all over. It hurt... it was painful... but here was Merlin... he had waited for me, and my love knew no bounds as it pulsed its way through my blood.

I felt scared all of a sudden, and felt my heart freeze as it started pounding. I cautiously walked to his seat; he was alone and looked as if he was sleeping in the chair. He looked so cold... so pale, and looked as if he was ready to die. My heart clenched and I wanted to embrace him then, to show him my love. I stopped just in front of him. Then with an anxious tone of affection and disbelief, I uttered...

"Merlin..."

He looked up then, confusion in his eyes, but when I saw them properly... there were tears stains all down his cheeks, his eyes were glistening in the light with disbelief and they went wide when he saw me. His beautiful hurt eyes...

He then grabbed the bottom of my coat then and started weeping again. I felt his pain... time was against us and it seemed that we wouldn't meet, but he had waited and here I was... three and a half hours late. I don't know what I thought next, but I grabbed his hands and pulled him towards me until we were together. I felt his arms clench around my shoulders as mine tightened around his waist... his cheeks were wet and caressing mine. I pressed into the low of his back and whispered what my now warmed yet unbelievably in pain heart wanted to say:

"I'm sorry"

It came out as a broken sob, and we tightened out hold on the other, clenching on as if the other would vanish. I then felt warm tears tense at the back of my eyes... and let them break away; fall down my cheeks with no shame.

...

Once we were over the overwhelming emotions and bewilderment of meeting... Merlin had to make me feel more guilty by bring out some food that he brought for me. I say 'some' food... it was a banquet of the most mouth-watering honey cakes and pastries, trust Merlin to be this sweet.

"It's good" I said with much enthusiasm. It really was quite heavenly and the fact Merlin baked these for me made them all the more sweeter.

"Really, it's just regular cakes?" He blushed such a deep red and beamed a little innocent smile and I thought it was the cutest thing, how much I wanted to lean over our picnic and kiss him was quite astonishing.

"Well, I don't think I've ever had such amazing regular cakes before" I smirked then, I just couldn't contain my joy, all that heartbreak slowly melting away.

"No way, you've had them before... I made these for you too." He pulled out a container and it had the most stunning array of cupcakes: bakewell, toffee, honey, chocolate chip... My heart started racing even more... he'd done so much for me... and it made me regret for losing that letter.

"Try one" He smiled his goody grin then and that's what made me whisper... although I didn't mean to, my mouth just ran away with my thoughts, the fact he waited, his gifts of sweet delights... but to give me his smile was more than enough for the boundary to be crossed as I whispered

"Merlin... you are a very, very beautiful person"... what did I do? He'll runaway now and-

-but he looked at me and grinned enough more, it seemed to spilt his face in two and I swear he was radiating warmth and affection... it melted my heart.

I grabbed one of the cupcakes and shoved it in my mouth... that was too close anyway.

"So, how is it?"

"It's good... really good. I don't think I've tasted anything this good before" It was surprisingly like a golden drop of sun in my mouth melting in the most amazing way possible.

He giggled in his little Irish way then... he hadn't changed a bit, he was still my sweet and innocent Merlin from when we were younger... though I noticed that his eyes had become more blue like the ocean and his body was more lean with quite nice muscles in all the right places and from what I could see of it his arse was-

"You're exaggerating"

I blushed as I was caught in my thoughts, realising what I had been thinking.

"No I'm not, a Pendragon never lies" I pulled a silly smirk then and got a soft chuckle for my efforts.

"You're just saying that because you're hunger" He had a smile now that wouldn't leave his face and I couldn't help but realise that I had put it there.

We laughed then and Merlin took one of the bakewell cupcakes and we started out feast. I then realised that we had nowhere to go tonight... but I didn't care, as long as I got to spend the night with Merlin. Then as if reading my thoughts he said:

"You can't go home tonight... guess we'll have to just wonder." Wondering with Merlin on a snowy night sounded like the perfect thing to do. We shared more smiles and before I knew it... my heart was relishing in the warmth of Merlin.

"I'm closing the station now, there are no more trains. It's coming down hard so be careful, no winds though" The train guard appeared from nowhere in his little booth.

"Oh, thank you" We spoke in unison both shocked by his sudden coming and going.

Merlin started packing the food, but I took over, saying he's already done enough.

...

We got outside... and it was perfect. Heavy slow snowflakes were coming down and there was no-one around, it was silent and I breathed in the cold air, its freshness waking me up. There was layers of snow everywhere and the icicles from the street lamps were quite pretty actually. I felt Merlin beside me and turned to him, he had a cheeky smirk on his face and said

"Race you" then started running off to nowhere in particular.

"You can't do that" I called but my tone was playful and we both grinned as I tried to catch him down the outskirts of some country town.

...

After lots of running and me catching Merlin with ease, but he was pretty fast though, and a couple of giggles later... we found ourselves on an open field with a single... cherry tree in the middle.

We started walking slowly side by side and I so desperately wanted to slip my hand into his, entwine our fingers and confess my feelings. The way the moon reflected off his skin made him seem ethereal. He truly was beautiful.

"Can you see it?" I knew Merlin was referring to the tree, oddly enough.

"Yeah, that's strange isn't it?"

"Yeah... a cherry tree" He started floating toward it with such a grace... and my eyes may have drifted to his arse and I may have liked it... my heart may have quickened at its petite shape and perfectly toned form. I felt so light-headed then so I just started to follow him, trying to distract myself from his amazing and wonderful behind.

We stopped in front of the tree and realised that it was bigger than we thought. Then Merlin reached out and let a snowflake drift into his delicate palm... he looked nervous, like what he was about to do would bring back bad memories or something, my heart started pounding again.

"Hey... they look like cherry blossoms, don't they?" His voice was so quiet and so soft. Yet I could sense his pain, and his eyes drifted down, as they filled with sparkles of water again... was he crying?

"Yeah... they do" I took his hand then, my heart was racing, pulsing something that was making me shake with nerves but I knew that I had to do it. My emotions were overwhelming in that moment, his hand was soft and so cold... he looked up at me then, a scared expression in his eyes with hints of possible curiousity. My heart was beating so fast... as if my chest could barely contain it anymore, as if it didn't belong to me anymore... it belonged to Merlin. I intertwined out fingers then... and leaned forward, Merlin slowly closing his eyes and parted his lips. I felt his panted breath against my lips and my heart was in my throat. We then looked into each other's eyes, knowing, tears glazing Merlin's. We moved even closer, titling our heads... then I gently closed the gap between us... and our lips were together. Pure ripples of tingling electricity ran straight through me. His lips were so soft, so soothe, and they fit perfectly against mine. I moved my free hand and cupped Merlin's cheek, slowly moving it to the nape of his neck and pulled him closer to me, deepening our kiss. We moved our lips, perfectly in sync with the other. I ran my tongue along the bottom of his lip, asking for permission. He then moved and pulled me deeper; bringing his tongue to mine... and it was so heavenly. He tasted like honey and all things sweet. It was addictive and I soon found myself trying to move closer, making out kiss all the more passionate and desperate. His sweet taste and the perfect wet texture of his tongue sent bolts of blood to certain areas. How much I loved him... and then I realised that he felt the same as he moaned ever so slightly and moved his free hand into the locks of my hair. His touch was phenomenal, sending jolts of pleasure throughout my body. He pulled me in closer then, as if trying to merge our spirits. At that moment, it felt like I understood were everything was: eternity, the heart, the soul. It was like I was sharing my whole life with Merlin. But then... in the next moment... I became unbearably sad. I didn't know what to do with these feelings. His warmth, his soul: how was I supposed to treat them? But then all my worries, all my doubt started to melt away as Merlin gently tugged my hair, pulling me closer still. All that mattered was Merlin's lips against mine as we exchanged our hearts, gave our love another life and a new meaning.

We then felt the need for air and all so reluctantly pulled back... I felt his lips gently leave mine, felt his tongue disentangle from mine, felt his warmth leave me... so I pulled him back and we resumed our kissing. My heart knowing where it belonged as it warmed with his touch.

But once he pulled away again, he wrapped his arms around my neck and pulled me tight... I was caught off guard, but then what he whispered made me the happiest person alive:

"I love you Arthur Pendragon... I always have"

I felt my heart clench at his sweet words, I felt the tears in them, how they glazed his eyes and were already pouring down his soothe cheeks. I tangled my arms around his waist whispering my liberty, my liberation into his amazing big eyes.

"I love you too Merlin, and always will" and just like that, my life was complete.

...

I pulled away from our embrace... and I couldn't be happier, to be here with Arthur. I had bottled up my feelings so much over the years... always thinking that it would be impossible for us to meet again, thinking that we would eventually break apart and drift our separate ways. I even tried to deny my feelings for him... always thinking that we were just friends. But... when Arthur came through that door... he still came... after all that time, and... my heart just broke and just now... I couldn't contain myself. I was so enraged and hurt that all these emotions couldn't be acted on, that I would forever be suffering in silence... but the way Arthur looked at me, held me... I didn't want to be in love with him... because I knew that we could never be together, our lives already stretched parallel on the expanse of time. But... I couldn't deny these feelings any longer, I melted in his touch and for one blissful moment, I felt my heart beat in time with his... and to know that he loved he also... the desperate need to be closer to him was more than I could bear, my heart so incredibly happy... and yet breaking at the same time, slowly dying. But that didn't matter, we had tonight and I would refuse to let him go... I don't care that my heart would never heal, that I would die... as long as I had Arthur and had tonight... I would be eternally content with my death. The emotional overwhelming rush I felt when he kissed me, I couldn't hold back the tears, for as I tensed around him, needing with such desperation to be closer... my heart was aching, as I embraced the complications of our lives. No matter what Arthur's father would say, no matter what the world would like, no matter the undeniable barrier between us... we were together, and I let myself slip into a fantasy all too real... and devastating.

It was getting late, and we saw an abandoned shack up ahead, not too far away. I suddenly felt very cold... but then I felt Arthur's hand entwine with mine... his rough yet soothe palm blessing mine, as he tangled our fingers and smirked at me. When I looked up to him... his happiness broke my heart, but I would not let these doubts of our separation spoil tonight. I smiled back, truly joyful for once in my life... the boy I had loved, loved me also... what more could I want, what else mattered? And then they melted away, my doubts and fears, as he squeezed my hand and led me towards our sanctuary for the night. We couldn't get rid of our smiles as we let our emotions take over.

Once we got to the shack, we wrapped ourselves in an old blanket. Arthur suggested that we keep warm... and I was more than happy to grant his wish. We were in the corner of the room... I between his legs, my back to his chest, as he wrapped us in the blanket and put his strong arms around me. Every touch brought new sensations, some sort of excitement I didn't understand. I felt so light-headed as all the breath went out of me as he pulled me towards his chest, allowing me to rest my head on his shoulder. Although I was lying against him, I still felt my knees buckle and I melted into his touch. He felt so warm, so strong... all that mattered was the way he held me close, his warmth enveloping me so wholly. I felt my entire body ripple in fire as he started to nipple slightly against my ear and kissed my neck. He was smiling, I could tell, and I had never felt his way before. My blood felt so hot and I was shaking with an unknown yet completely welcome pleasure. I felt such amazing tingles circulate around my body and an incredible surge from my heart. I felt safe... and wanted in his arms, my heart racing, pounding against my chest as I surrendered to him.

I suddenly felt a very heavy, very big press to my lower back... it was growing in pressure and size. I felt my heart flutter with the abrupt surge of passion I felt circulate me. I looked to him with my biggest grin with lustful amusement in my eyes. Arthur then saw my face and looked so embarrassed: a blush suddenly graced his perfect face and his voice seemed to retreat within him. I giggled then, leaning my forehead against his... breathing in deep, just so happy to be here with Arthur. The butterflies in my heart increased with such great velocity as I ground my hips into Arthur's groin... earning a groan that would thunder love from him as his eyes quivered in rapture. His sighs of fire went instantly to my own groin and I relished in our ecstasy, such pleasurable friction that stole my breath.

We talked most of the night; Arthur whispering sweet words of ever-lasting love and his undying affection. Then when I turned to face him, his smile was so bright that I couldn't stop myself, I felt myself lean forwards and caress his cheek with my nose, he chuckled then as my grin grew wider... then he closed the gap between us and his lips were against mine once more. His lips moved in time with mine, so gentle and yet so passionate. I felt something flow around me as my heart started swelling in its love. His lips always felt so new, so perfect. His sweet full lips were like heaven to touch, they were so perfect and so slightly chapped. His passion was unparalleled and I felt his desperation to be closer as I felt it as well. We could never get enough, would never get enough, of the sensations that dissipated throughout us as we kissed. His tongue then found mine and we greeted each other with such soft grace. He tasted of flowers, like the scent of a rose, and it was beyond intoxicating. I felt myself lean closer still, pressing as hard as I could as we moved our lips, allowing more room for our hot tongues, our eager journey to be within the other. His lips were pulsing against mine and... I sighed a breath of contentment.

We finally had to break apart, air being needed, yet still we tried to see if we could breathe while kissing. He then smiled so warmly that I felt my heart melt. I mirrored his happiness with a grin as I snuggled closer into him, burying my head into his neck and breathing in his scent... He held me tighter... then laid his head on mine... and we finally went to sleep, our hearts illuminated in our love.

...

The next morning... I remembered what had happened as my eyes slowly opened and adjusted to the sunshine through the windows. I could feel Arthur's breathing chest rise and fall... but then I was stabbed by the sadness that... that he would have to leave this morning. I tried not to let myself be overwhelmed but... that proved to be a very difficult task. I felt a stinging burn behind my eyes and cuddled into him closer, feeling myself tense. He was the same, for I heard his breathing become erratic and his arms wrap around me tighter still... he kissed my head and no words were exchanged... we both knew the heartbreak that was to come.

They say parting is 'such sweet sorrow'... but there was nothing sweet about the fact we may never have this again. Where was the happiness in that... tell me, for I never saw it.

We were silent as we walked back to the station... my heart burning in cold flames with every step. I felt Arthur squeeze my hand and tug me closer, but I was already gone, already too broken to see a happy ending.

...

The trains were running again. Arthur's train was the first and as it came around the corner... I couldn't help but feel how I would be leaving my heart on it, as I had given it to Arthur the moment we kissed. We looked up at each other, sadness in mine, and concern in his. He lifted my chin so I had to look into his perfect ocean eyes of blue:

"Merlin..." I felt my heart contract instantly.

"Merlin... please remember... please know that I will never let you go" His voice started to break and I felt the familiar sting of tears, I let them fall... as my heart was to be slit before the world.

"Arthur..." My heart was hammering... but then the train bell rang and we knew that we had to part.

He turned around so slightly and took a step onto the train... and for one moment I thought that he wouldn't, that he would stay with me and abandon his previous life.

"Merlin... I'll write to you, I'll call you" He was rushing his words of heartbreak as the doors closed... but before they did... I was able to utter what was needed to be said:

"I love you Arthur" My voice was horse but he heard me, and then he banged against the door, suddenly needing to be with me... His eyes suddenly filled with such broken sorrow, as if I had just ripped out his heart... I held my hand against the window and we looked into each other's eyes... he raised his hand to where mine was and... I felt my heart slip away. He was crying and there was nothing I could do... but what truly hurt me was... was when the train steamed and finally started moving, I felt my body shake with anxiety as he tried to break down the door. I heard him shout broken sobs of rejection to our reality, feeling the same tremor and separation as I did. He was banging against the glass, his eyes desperate and wild. Then the train sped away and we locked eyes again, promising to always think of the other. I watched the train pass me and... I felt my heart physically split open as all my hopes, all my love... started to poison my blood.

But what pained me the most was how our hearts, which had been so tightly interwoven... could unravel with such speed.


	4. Forever Yours

**Hello All, so I've finally found the edge to make me write WOOP WOOP!**

**Disclaimer: This is based upon Makoto Shinkai's film of the same name, so no lawsuit there. Also, some of the dialogue is from the film, but of course I've edited, adapted and changed it to how I wanted it. I do not own the BBC Series 'Merlin' but if I did, Merlin and Arthur would be together in the most romantic way possible. **

**This took me awhile to write, what with LOTS of ideas running through me head but also feeling the need to bring a few of the film's quotes into it, so yeah... **

**I won't keep you waiting... I hope you enjoy it :)**

**I apologise for any spelling/grammar mistakes**

**...**

It's been ten years since I lost him to the ways of life...

My life... it is empty without Merlin – that's all there is to it. No variables or other factors – just so wasteland of forbidden love... or maybe a love that was never meant to be. I've heard it said countless times that love is always around us, that love – love is like oxygen, love lifts us up into the air, that all you need is love... but what can those ones do that are without it?

I hurts, everyday of course, waking up thinking that I'd see Merlin's face, his warm smile, feel him bury his head into my neck a beg for the Earth to stand still just for five more minutes. It makes me smile, ever so sadly, to think of him. He never leaves my thoughts, nor never will. I always imagine him coming through the grey door of my small apartment and bringing the sunshine with him, I imagine sometimes that he'll just suddenly burst through into my life again and say that he hadn't moved again to god knows where, that he still loves me and will forever be mine. He'd then wave... and maybe call, but I don't let the fantasy go beyond that. I can't let it. I remind myself I was lucky to have any time with him at all.

It's all a waste, as I sit around my small flat of a living space. One bedroom that partners up to be a living room, one bathroom, one toilet room, a study and another room which I guess could be a living room to – it has a balcony which is nice at times... it looks over London, where I'm staying now for work of course, so that's the downside. The apartment's not the tidiest, but why should it be, I've got no one to impress.

I'm just living my life with sadness piling up around me. It's in my bed cold in the sun, it's in the looks I get from knowing workers, it in the given up glint in my eyes, it's in my tired face... it's in my broken heart. My movements are weak from crying, my life just one big mess of green and yellow melancholy. For the past few months, I've wanted to move on, to grasp something beyond my reach, what that is, I don't even know. All I've been able to do is go on working – working being a book editor – not knowing where these obsessive thoughts come from. Then one day I realised my heart was withering, and in it was nothing but pain. Then one morning I realised my beliefs, that I had held once so passionately had completely disappeared. That was it, I couldn't take anymore, so I quit my job. However I was reminded of the time I had with Merlin, the distant giggles of his laughter and the racing of my once alive heart. Times when I was just sitting in bed with my laptop... and a cherry blossom would float through the open window. It landed on my wrist... in the shape of a heart, I thought, as if the universe was telling me that sometimes good things end so better things can happen. But maybe none of us really understand what we've lived through, or feel we've had enough time.

...

I walked through the crowded streets of London in the dead of night, hardly any sleep touching my eyes. I got into the nearest newsagent and just strolled around. It was empty and quick except for the one beer-bellied bull of a man at the counter. I found some magazines of interest when I suddenly realised... realised that it was snowing. Snowing so graciously, and I looked to the dim inked coloured sky. The soft snowflakes were drifting through the chilling wind and I was transported back to a time of something more... of a dream I had. In the dream I was with Merlin, and we were happy.

A dream of long ago... it was when I had Arthur in my arms, we were wrapped in warmth.

In the dream we were still young and free.

We were standing in a field covered in snow.

Where in the dim light from distant houses,

All that could be seen were our footsteps and the gentle press of our lips. And because of that we both believed, without a doubt,

That someday, together, we would watch the cherry blossoms fall again.

So we decided on that night to visit our childhood, to visit the cherry trees. One last time.

...

I stood at the base of the cherry tree. I watched in the silence as wind blew past me. I watched as the petals fell; fell at... 5 centimetres per second... I held out my hand and one drifted into it. I couldn't help but think of Merlin then... and I felt the rush, of a thousand heart breaks... and it hurt... it hurt so much... The idea of not seeing Merlin again, not having him in my arms ever again, how I would never see his beautiful eyes that caught the light so perfectly, how I would never see his goofy grin that let loose butterflies in my stomach... I would never be able to tease him about his big ears... the idea that I wouldn't be able to say that I loved him to his face... The hole in my heart, where Merlin should be, clenched then. It took all my being, to close my eyes and grit my teeth... as the tears fell all too easily.

I turned my back then, the yearning in my heart, it hurt too much. Why was I here? All that was here was the sour memory that plagued my heart, all that was here was disappointment... They say a dead man is heavier than a broken heart... well am I dead now? My heart sure feels... heavy.

I put my hands in my coat pockets, although the sun was shining in all its brilliance, it radiated no heat, no comfort. I shivered slightly at the frosty, crisp morning that dawned upon me, as I saw the train crossing in the distance, with Merlin in mind.

...

As I approached the train crossing, I noticed how the cherry blossoms pink seemed to blur into the sky... even the sky itself seemed lifeless, it never seemed so empty, or so high. Would I ever find love? Would I ever find Arthur? My heart... with every step I took, my heart was slitting, bleeding love for all to see... except the one that needed to, except Arthur.

When I got to the crossing, there was another man... he seemed so sad, so broken. He seemed so lonely, walking slowly as if he was carrying... a heavy heart, like he lost someone. I saw his golden hair and I thought of Arthur... my Arthur. The one I loved, and always had... and I would never get the chance to tell him... all my feelings, all this time, and I never probably voiced my emotions, the regret that flooded my body hurt, what had I been afraid of?... Why didn't I tell him? Well, my chance was gone now, and my heart with it. I felt the tears burning my eyes now, but I didn't care... Arthur was worth my tears...

... But this man seemed so familiar, the way he walked... had I seen him before? I couldn't see his face much, but I caught a glimpse of his eyes, such deep azure eyes, and his sun-kissed hair... then my heart started with an extraordinary haste, the more I thought about it, the more it made sense... no... it couldn't be... it wouldn't... maybe... no... no... for a moment there... it doesn't matter... I thought it was, Arthur... but he wouldn't be here. My mind playing wicked tricks on me... my broken heart could only bare so much and now I was seeing the man that clouded my dreams... Arthur wouldn't be here... my heart felt so empty, so crushed, the wrenching of it paining me so deeply... and as much as I tried to shove the thoughts out of my head... I couldn't help but wonder... what if it was Arthur...

...

There was another man on the crossing; he looked so defeated, so hopeless. He walked with his head low, but I could see his messy raven hair... and he was crying... Why was he crying? I thought of Merlin again and I felt my eyes burn, as the hole in my heart, where Merlin should be, ached with an unbelievable pain, how it longed to be with Merlin again... Then it started to race... Wait a minute, the man's raven hair... and those big adorable ears... this man was the spitting image of Merlin, his lean body with its clumsy grace. And was... was that my coat I have given him? It looked a bit small on the man so it could make sense. I felt my heart quicken with every step... and I flinched at my mind's cruel humour, why would Merlin be here? But I made a wish then, that we would stop at the end... and turn back...

I reached the end of the crossing, my heart in my throat, and I turned round... but as soon as I did, a train zoomed past. I felt the wind rush through me; I felt my coat ripple in its currents. I felt my hair wave in the breeze... and I waited... despite the sound of the speeding train... it was silent to me; I could only hear my heart beat... now at a deathly pace... I waited... I held my breath... and I waited...

...

Then when the train passed... my heart was definitely in my throat... I couldn't believe it... there he was, my Merlin. His hood was down and I could see his eyes sparkling with tears, I couldn't believe it, the man I loved was right in front of me, the man that plagued my dreams and caused my heart to tear. He was so beautiful, and here he was... so why was I hesitating... why was I just standing there... in such disbelief... and the words left my mouth before I knew it...

"Merlin..."

...

When the train moved on... there he was, my prince, my Arthur. The man that I had yearned for so long, now only a heartbeat away... so why was I frozen? My heart, it stopped and... I couldn't breathe... Why wasn't I running? My voice couldn't find its way, but I managed to say, barely more than a hushed whisper...

"Arthur..." His very name caressing my lips...

Then when I was able to take that one small step, my disbelief vanished... and it came so easily. I ran, I ran across the tracks, my heart pounding, I ran into his arms as he smiled with such affection... I wrapped my arms around his neck, burying my face in his shoulder... just breathing in his scent... I had missed him so much. I felt his strong, secure arms wrap around my waist... and I was safe. My heart, it felt as if my chest could barely contain it, as if it didn't belong to me anymore, it belonged to Arthur... The warmth I felt when he tightened his hold... I let the tears fall, and I was home...

...

When Merlin jumped into my arms, I was stunned at first, my heart skipping a beat, but I instantly wrapped my arms around his waist. I felt tears scarring my face, and it was worth it. The hole in my heart, the piece of my very soul that Merlin had... with him with me now... I felt complete. I felt his breath hitch as he desperately held me tighter...

"I thought I lost you"

And at these words, my heart skipped a beat, the emotion rippling through my blood, as I held him with all my might, whispering back with tearful eyes and a broken voice...

"I thought about you every day, you could never lose me Merlin"

And to finally say those words, it felt so right. Nothing else mattered except for the man in my arms. The warmth that rippled and radiated without my entire being... it was indescribable. We tightened our hold on the other, not wanting to let go, scared the other may vanish in an instant. Then I felt as Merlin pulled me even closer, burying his head into my neck, and it melted my heart, feeling his breath caress my skin...

"Don't... don't leave me again" Merlin stuttered, choked by the tears of reunion and the clenching in his chest. I felt a rush of stinging frozen pain bleed through my veins at the missed years I felt, which brought even more tears as I replied back with such a desperate cry of a promise that came from the deepest part of my heart...

"I promise I won't leave Merlin. I'll stay forever... I'm sorry"

After all these years, after all this heartbreak... that seemed to just melt away, being replaced by this warmth that was so strong that... I don't think I could let Merlin go; I was surprised that I survived this long without him. I tightened my hold even more, embracing him in my bubble of love...

Despite the chilly winds and despite the diamond dust that floated around us... I had never felt so warm.

I don't know how long we stood there, just in each other's arms... no more words needed...

But when I pulled back ever so slightly... I cupped his cheek, my fingertips so happy to feel his soft tender skin again, and I saw the eyes where there was no return from; I always lose myself in his ocean of blue. They were glazed with tears... and he then said the words which we had kept from each other all these years...

"I love you Arthur. More than words can say. I always have" And my heart was melting with the love I felt ripple my body, finally voicing the way I had left all this time...

"I love you so much Merlin. My heart, it will always belong to you." And I meant it.

I was so tense from the affections that rose... then before I knew it... our lips were joined again, lightly caressing the others... and in that moment, I felt like my life had a purpose again, I felt like I was needed, like I was loved... and the emotion we poured into our kiss... it was a moment I'll never forget. The feeling that rushed through my veins, it was a lot like love, and it was breathtaking. I was so happy, it was unbelievable, the tears were burning my cheeks, and I fell. I felt his fingers thread through my hair and noticed the slight moan the familiar softness brought. I felt his hot tongue run against mine, his desperation for contact shining, and I responded with all the more passion. Finally with the man I loved so deeply...

And in that moment, I knew I would hold onto Merlin forever...

And I would never let Arthur go...

The End

**So that's it *wipes forehead* I'd love to know what you think – whether it's a small thumbs up or a fire blast to my head with hate... I'm open to it all ^_^**


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